Windows
by SpecialAgentZiva
Summary: A window to the past, or perhaps a prediction of the future? A window to possible recovery, or a door shut tight? This is only the beginning. This is where it all starts... and where it all ends.


**A/N: I'm trying something new with this, so bear with me please. This story starts near the beginning of Kate's first years as a cop, specifically around the second year where she would be sent to therapy to let go of her mother's case. Warning, she's angry. :p But this will follow her progression. Hopefully.**

**Anyway, I don't own Castle.**

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><p><strong>WEEK ONE.<strong>

Dear journal;

Look, I've already gotten something wrong. I forgot to put the date on first. And I'd tear this up and start over, but Ms. Annoying I-Know-Your-Mind is staring at me and would probably notice. I'm not supposed to rip things up anymore. Shame, really, because… because.

I break most things, anyway. Whether I mean to or not.

I've been on the job for a while now, and I still don't feel like I've done anything good. I can't find Mom's killer. What kind of daughter can't do that? I owe her that, don't I?

That's another thing I'm supposed to let go and not tear the world apart over. But how the hell do they expect me to cooperate? It's not like their mother's fucking dead! …k, wow, that felt good. Normally I'm not supposed to swear in the precinct. It's 'shut the front door!' or nothing.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Just repeating the word is good.

…gets my mind off things I don't want to think about.

Shit, I'm going there again.

Fuck.

Fuck, it's stopped working.

I hate this already.

You hear that, Mrs. Psychotic Therapist? Let me run my own fucking life; let me solve my mother's case. I'll "destroy" myself if I want to.

Fuck.

K-B

_{Notes: patient is unwilling, grudging, does not see own faults. may be a hard case but will have to do. obviously has a lot of pent-up frustration and anger. -Dr. S.K. }_

May 23rd

Dear journal;

I'm already getting tired of you. Seriously. Fuck off, journal and therapist. Better yet, take the damn journal, you crackpot, and leave me alone. Wait… don't take the damn journal, you'll just think I'm more psychotic. So here. Let me try and write something a "normal" person would. Y'know, someone who's not a cop, who doesn't see death every day.

"Dear journal;

I had a very good day today! I saw cousin and auntie and-"

I can't do this. If you want to read this and think I'm psychotic, fine. At least I'm writing in the damn thing.

K-B

_{Notes: patient is channeling anger, but needs to do so constructively. still unwilling, grudging, angry. outcome looking negative, but will push forward. I believe she can still be saved… but the comments are not appreciated. -Dr. S.K. }_

May 24th

Dear journal;

Another therapy session. Why do they call this therapy? It's torture. "Katie, you need to let go." "Katie, open up." "Katie, how do you feel?" Well, Doctor, I'd feel a lot fucking better if you'd stop calling me Katie. It's Detective Kate Beckett, NOT Katie.

…that's my dad's name for me. It was what my mom called me, too.

You do NOT have the privilege to call me that.

Believe me, I'm going to your damn therapy under orders. I wish they'd let me transfer to another doctor who wasn't a… whatever the hell you are.

K-B

_{Notes: patient is nearly same as before, but getting places. note to self: calling her 'Katie' makes her angry, but may help her to open up. -Dr. S.K.}_

May 25th

Dear journal;

Great, so apparently I'm supposed to do "homework." What is this, fifth grade? I finished school, thanks. School and the damn police academy. So back off.

…but (-sigh-) I have to do this anyway, if you're thinking I'm even half mentally fit. They'll kick me off the job if I don't listen to you, and then I'll have no chance to ever look at Mom's case.

So here it is. Hope you like it. I fucking hate it -

_Don't call me Katie, I'll hate it;_

_It's enough to make me quit_

_This, and leave, you can take your therapy_

_And put it where the sun don't shine, see_

_'Cause I really wish I wasn't here._

_I could do with a cold beer._

_But back to the point, it's Kate,_

_NOT Katie._

I hope that got MY point across to YOU, rather than your point across to me. Because you calling me Katie does not make you my friend, and forcing me to write about it is worse.

K-B

_{notes: patient is slightly opening up, but not really. still exhibits hate for anything trying to get her away from her mother's case. must be careful here. -Dr. S.K.}_

May 26th

Dear Journal;

I met a fed. today. It was odd.

…there, happy? I wrote about something normal. Here, I'll end normally, too.

THE END.

K-B

_{notes: not much comment here. she seemed happier today. will ask her about the 'fed' - a federal agent, I assume. aren't all cops on the same side? anyway… -Dr. S.K.}_

May 27th

Dear Journal;

'Elaborate?' Ugh. Fine. I'll elaborate: I hate you. Woops, sorry, did I get that wrong? Just let me out of here. Mark me sane and hand me my mother's file, and then the world can go back to normal. I'm not psychotic, I just want - NEED - to catch the person responsible for all this.

So, fine. Back to elaborating.

I met a fed yesterday. A federal agent. FBI. His name was Will. He seemed nice, but he's sort of young, like me. He's still an underdog but apparently he's a "rising star," too. He's a bit cocky, but seems sweet. I saw him today, too, but only for two seconds.

I think he heard that I go to this therapy, 'cause he handed me a coffee, and didn't say a word… but you could see it in his eyes.

To elaborate on my feelings: fuck you, let me out of here.

I mean… I'm frustrated. Right. Ha.

K-B

_{notes: surprising development here. seemed more willing to write, though started grudgingly. when she left, she seemed like there was a bit of weight taken off her shoulders. she seems to like this 'Will.' maybe I should get in touch with him. he could be good for her. also gave a book to her, by a Richard Castle. she says she's heard of him before, but I'm not sure if that means she's read his books or not. -Dr. S.K.}_

May 28th

Dear Journal;

I read the book.

It was okay.

It was interesting.

It was written well enough.

…I got it signed.

Which sounds insane. But Will saw me reading the book and took me to the library. The author, Richard Castle, was there. He signed my book, and flirted a bit.

Well, that's one person who doesn't think I'm obsessed. Not like I'll ever see him. He's a celebrity, richer than rich; he doesn't go near people like me.

But my book says: 'Kate; enjoy the book like I know you will. -Castle'

Cocky much? He's a bit irritating in person. Like you. But, y'know, he's actually got a personality. He's not constantly trying to tear me away from-

Fuck.

K, feel better now. But one more time, just to clear my mind.

Fuck.

K-B

_{notes: patient seemed at ease today. was laughing while writing the last few lines; an interesting change. must push her to read more of Richard Castle's books, and to talk to Will more. if she can open up to her friend, and relate to the books, then we may have a window to recovery.}_

_{overall assessment of week: looks like a difficult case, but I may've already found a way for her to open up. chances of recovery looking a bit better.}_


End file.
